A dialog with myself

Woke in the morning to find a fountain of mist covering my view. I tried to see but the veil was too thick. It forced me to look within, to see the locked doors of my soul. I saw, but nothing was clear. My voice called out in silence and yet there was nothing to hear. I laid in me for a while, staring at the specks of particles dancing in the energies of movement. I asked myself, can you hear? The echo of my silence hears the repeated call. I woke inside like a rush of nothingness. Circling me was the voice of knowledge but my ears could not behold. I knew without doubt it was real, and yet, what was real? I see but am blind to me. I scream, hold me, see me, but the sounds bounce off me once again.

 

Outside of me I walk as though only my body knew what to do. In my veiled vision, I look for relief, holding on to whatever sound is there. I pick up books for comfort and read the words of the pure light of salvation but my inner me sends them sailing off me like waves hitting the stone cliffs implanted deep into the earth. I try and reach for the edges of the rocks to pull me in but my me is wet with the idea I deserve this so I let go freely to allow myself to suffer once again. Over and over I try but my want for hate within me is stronger than any will to know I am of worth to me. I look outside of me and see the beauty of others showering their gifts of extra light towards me but deny myself the love they offer. My life is full. My joys in front of me to take if only I would just let go of my battle. I am good, I yell, I am worth loving me but why cant I hear? Try, I tell myself. Hear, I plead but I hear not! My still small voice tells me I am a light but as I hold up my candle I will only allow it to shine for people around me. My eyes see it not. The walls are strong, they are thick, they are secure. It seems that when I do grab hold and allow myself a small amount of leeway, I am already mixing the mortar to  fill in and block me.

 

Is this hell? Is it my path? Will I not forgive myself for the violations I allowed to take place on and in me? My time is to question myself now. STOP I tell me, STOP. Hear my words dear Lord. Hear my plea. Strip yourself woman, let the pain go. See yourself raw and naked. Dig harder. See more. Grow the thorns you have allowed yourself to torture you, turn them into the cliffs, scratch the surface til they stay firm and strong. Tell me, I didn’t deserve the innocence taken from me. Open your heart to God and when he holds you, hold back. You have spent years torturing you, hiding in you, seeking for the justice you wanted but believe it is your price to pay. Hear me, self, see your light before you blow it out. I am still alive. I am fighting for you. Take off your cloak and wash off your sins of hating you! I love you and will always be here waiting for the day we are one. Stop looking for others to ask for forgiveness. There are no words any human can give that will help til you admit you just might, MIGHT, be as good as me. You are dying inside and smothering out the beauty God knows you have. Let go of your anger. You cannot find comfort in saving the world believing it will free you of your chains you have linked together. Drop your chains and know/believe God hasn’t banished you from your rewards. You are shutting out his love. The one thing that can set you free. Are you listening? Do you hear yet? Do you see? Please don’t kill me off. I have you and I shine when you do. Sift through you, pull yourself up like the cleansing water gets when it sifts through the pebbles of the earth. Drink of light and turn away from your hate in you.

 

Do you see the flowers blooming in the fields? Don’t think about the weeds for you are safe in me. Kick off your shoes and bare your feet of truth. Walk through the forgiving plains of gentle softness and love. You know its there, you just refuse to believe its for you as well as anyone who is given the gift of love and life. Don’t search for a path within the fields for it will lead you in the circles you are already in. The slate is clean and waiting for you to grow your seeds.

 

 2There is no changing our past. It is what it is. Why do you look back to change what cannot be undone? Learn from your losses, your joys, your stumbling. Do you see the light ahead? It holds a white canvas unmarked. I feel your fear again today. That feeling in the pit of your stomach comes from the fear of the idea of change. What link in our chain are you trying to tie to us today? Did you not learn from yesterday? I am immobile in us til you choose to step forward. We cannot stay the same, woman! We will fall back, we are falling back. Do you hear our children laughing this morning? We are so blessed. Breath in us and know we are OK! Visualize you and I touching our mind and spirit hands together, interlocking them now! Walk with me.

I felt you look back a moment ago and my soul began to sadden but you turned your head again towards our canvas of LIFE. Self, pick up the paintbrush of life and together we will paint. I love you. Look at my/our soul and forgive us of things we cannot change. It is alright. With each step you and I will fuse as we should be.

 

Why do you internalize everything? Is there nothing you aren’t responsible for? My sweet me, look at me. You cannot keep doing this to us. We cant hold everyone. How can you find the peace in me/us if you don’t hold us? Do you know as you try and hold others and their bad choices as your fault, that you actually cause them to pull away from us? Oh they will use us til there is no energy left and then be done with us and move on? Are you not draining the life force out of us now? When we lay down as one at night and close our eyes do we find the rest needed for another day? No! We wake and separate. You dim our light before I have a chance to strengthen us. Let go woman, give your mind to God. Who do you think feeds our light I hold? I am waiting for you to wrap around Gods light, our light, for it will not, cannot grow brighter til you do!  I am waiting I am waiting. I will not leave you, I cannot leave you, for you are who I am and who we can become. You are tired and find no peace these days.

Why wont you talk with us? You turn away when I speak. You cant run from us. We are of the same, in the same.

 

  (ME) I heard you, stop speaking for I don’t have your answers. I sense this light you keep whispering to me about but its too far and there is an empty darkness between me and you. I hate me and yet I  know there is more love and work to give out. I am busy so don’t bother me now, talk with me in the silence of our room. Do you not see I will fail the grand test if I don’t keep giving? I don’t have time for us, we can wait!

 

 (Soul) The darkness is your creation. Its not real and yet it has become your reality. There is no silence in our room for you are tired and wont allow peace to blanket you or give you the love you keep pushing away. Why wont you let others give back? What is your fear in that? 

 

 (ME) Why should I receive from others? What if I fail them? Yes I am so very tired. . . . . . So I have a question! Soul, do you believe there is a forgiving God for us? Are we not a speck or dust of this earth?, easily washed away?

 

 (Soul) You believe, in others giving to us, we loose our grounding and yet are you not slipping? We are held in Gods hands when we can no longer go on but you have blinded you from feeling his love. I know there is a forgiving God but you wont let him forgive because you wont forgive you within. You/we need a spirit and body rest. Let the control go, lay down your weapon of conquer. ……Oh my me, I feel you drifting away as I speak. I am here waiting for you to hear us when you return!

 

 3 (ME) I am here! I am feeling fogged and confused in a calming way. As my eyes found sleep last night I was woke by a streak of light in my nothingness. It was not outside of me but in where we talk. I let myself drift off again and this time I saw the air in my energy field around me  shake like a quake. It startled me.

 

4  (Soul) You are beginning to heal. The light was like a shooting star quickly coming and going before one can notice. The shaking was your darkness being tested. Pray my me. God is right there on the outskirts of your darkness. The slightest crack will always let light in.

…………………………………

5 (ME) It has been a while soul, since we have talked. For this I am sorry. I wanted truth spoken between us yet I found I couldn’t open up. Pray, you say? How can I pray when even I don’t hear the words I speak? They roll off my tongue like water and I know the right words to say but feel nothing. I see nothingness in the mist of darkness when I close my eyes to prayer, as though my words are lost in a space with no gravity, no value.  I am so very tired.

I have heard and have spoken that ones hell is within. That we create it and Gods angels are just on the outskirts of ones hell, forbidden to interfere with their choices until one reaches to God for deliverance. 

Then and only then can the angels blanket a soul with love and light. My arms feel frozen, unable to lift  . How can I reach if I cant move?

 

(Soul) Cry out, child, cry out for deliverance. God will release the bonds wrapped in you. Yes in you. For they are not held by others but by you. You may not deserve it now but you will. There will come a time when you allow US to deserve it. Do you see what I mean? You have built our reward but refuse to know it. Our heaven will remain empty til you claim US!

 

(Me)  Soul, You are the me who can communicate with a lighter purer truth. You are the Master in me aren’t you?
……..TO BE CONTINUED

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